December 22nd, 2011
Everyone done a GASPO
(except nobbly, who do a YAWNO.)
“(I noe, sorry, I just STILL haven’t had my MORNING CUPPA yet, and I can never wake up properly until I’ve had it!!!)”
(ok but try and stay with us, this is all very exciting.)
“(says you.)”
(ssh.)
and all heads turn to Snatter, who seeme to deflait and go all floppy in a noble way.
“It’s true,” he wheeze.
“What’s Burgess talking about, Snatter?” goe M8s.
“Tell them, Snatter,” say Burgess when Snatter hesitate. “They will forgive you.”
forgive him?? :O snatter what did you du???
“It began when we built this ship,” goe Snatter. “I had been shown already that there was more in the universe than just Earth. There’s quantum chocolate, Yulicron, the tree that grows inside the Christmas Star, the Snorks. We started making contact with other life-forms. Spottyman, Sharon. We were shown that there was life out there, beyond what we knew. And that meant children. And that meant I was neglecting my duties as the Chosen One, and neglecting them.”
“But you put it right,” goe M8s. “You built the ship, you took to the stars! And then…”
“And then my powers kicked in,” go Snatter, looking as sad as he can look!
u’r powers, Snatter? like wearing a coat and boots? having a beard?
“He is the Chosen One,” say Burgess. “He has inherited the powers foreseen in the prophecy. If only I hadn’t seen it, if only the prophecy hadn’t used me as its medium, perhaps I might not have doomed us all. Santa Claus left the Earth for space, and with that, his gift spread outwards, touching every corner of the galaxy, not only the Earth. And even out there, so the prophecy states, Time travels with him.”
“I kept telling myself that it was all right,” say Snatter. “I’ve coped with long trips before. I can deliver presents to all the children of the Earth, and night rides with me, like it’s tethered to the back of the sleigh. Dawn never rises until my job is done. I thought it would be the same, out here in space, and yet, no matter how long I spent…”
M8s seems to noe what he meens finally. “The galaxy is so huge… it was impossible to deliver presents to all the children of the whole galaxy! And until you did, time stood still!”
“It’s worse,” goe Snatter. “I tried for so long. Hundreds of objective years, then thousands, just delivering presents. We’d known it was coming, we’d prepared for it, we worked as hard as we could to get ready for the Long Dark Christmas Eve, but it was never enough. And then…”
and then??? :O
“…then I finished. I placed the last present before the last lasotron hyperfireplace… and nothing happened. They all remained asleep. The elves, M8s’ crew, all the children, all the adults, every living thing in the entire galaxy, all still trapped within the curse of Silent Night.”
“What do you mean?” go M8s. “I thought when you’re finished the sun rises and time can begin again!”
“SO DID I,” Snatter snap! “It’s why I’ve been obsessively visiting each planet we pass! I’ve been around them all three times already! I’ve spent aeons retreading the same ground, looking for one unvisited window, one empty hearth! I’ve been everywhere!”
“Which only leaves one possibility,” goe Burgess.
And a deep rumbling laugh spread out across the ship, like it’s echoing in the creak of doors and settling beems.
“Did he know all along?” go Snatter. “How could he have known?”
“He knows a lot,” go Burgess, “especially about ways to spoil Christmas.”
“What did he noe!!” shout M8s!
“Don’t you see?” go Snatter. “Somewhere in the galaxy, there must be a race of living beings that exist outside the boundaries of time. Such things have been theorised, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before I left! Superdimensional creatures to whom our lowly existence is nothing more than a conceptual mist through which they pass without a thought. Creatures to whom time is just another set of directions, who can move freely back and forth through it, and out through the wider dimensions of time that we can’t comprehend! This race know no concept of then and now, later and earlier. To them, time is meaningless!
“Which means that they reproduce outside of time. Civilisations can flourish without needing to interact with time. While I traveled the galaxy trying to deliver presents to all of its children, more of these beings would have been born and grown old and reproduced, not frozen IN time, but OUTSIDE it! As soon as I left Earth, the Endless Night curse grew to engulf the whole galaxy, and when it did, we were doomed forever! Time was frozen, waiting to begin again the moment when Christmas presents had been delivered to every child, and all the while children existed outside, ensuring the curse could never end!”
Santa look really downcast.
“I thought I must be mistaken, that I just missed a chimney somewhere in space. But now I know. You have encountered members of the species whose existence I have dreaded these past ages?”
yeh. they’re called The Bob Separation.
“Then… maybe you can help us! How is it that you talk to them?”
“She eats chockoes,” go nobbly. “From the advent calender, WHICH M8S JETTISONED OUT OF THE SHIP, SO NOW WE ARE STUCK.”
“Is this true?” Snatter goe to M8s, looking distraught, but… well what I didn’t tell anyone is… just in case I got into trouble… is that I um…
“What is it?” goe Snatter. well it’s just… I learned how to wriggle the dores of the calender open you see. Before M8s threw it away I sort of … sneaked all the chockles out. I’ve got one here. omnom. nomnomnom. nom. here m80s everyone have one, nomnom. They’re of sand timers and clocks and things, to represent the muddling-up of time. om. omnom. That Snatter did. omnom. omOEE—
SNIGEBYENRUOJRUODNANOITARAPESBOBEHTERAEWNOISICEDFOTNEMOMEHTMORFYAWALEVARTEWWON
AAuauhhuhhh it so sparkly now, whoa!
“Wait!” Goe another voice! This time it…