December 23rd, 2011
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THE BOB WHOLENESS

“Hello! Welcome once again, and didn’t we leave you at a critical point at the end of the last post? We pick up from there, and welcome a brand new being to Christmas this evening, the gestalt entity once known as the Bob Separation, but which now has finally achieved Wholeness. He’s a DJ and actor from Maidstone College of Art, and his hobbies include neatness and not playing the saxophone. What a pity we haven’t been able to hear a recitation from him tonight. Meet if you will, The Bob Wholeness!!”

everyone do a clap! what a smartly-presented felloe

“And! Over there we have Santa Claus, the chosen one of legend whose powers of present-giving have landed us all in the muddle we find ourselves battling against. But not to worry, there’s still plenty to play for as we make our way towards Christmas Day, and our Ultimate Fate. Santa Claus!”

everyone du another clap

“Now, I understand you deliver presents to all the children of the galaxy, is that right?”

“Yes Bob,” go Snatter, looking nervous and doing a stupid little grin that his m8s in the crowd laugh at “I’ve been flying around every planet in the whole galaxy trying to fulfil my endless task.”

“Ahh, but you haven’t been able to, have you!” say Bob, not breaking stride at all. “The specifics of your powers have prevented you from completing the task, and have put the universe in peril, well, I think we’re about to find the problem has a very simple solution. First of all! What we need is to identify the root and cause of the bother. So! Before we go any further, I notice you’ve brought a friend with you. What can you tell us about him?”

“His name’s M8s,” go Snatter. “He’s captain of the ship and the greatest space hero of the whole future.”

“Lovely. Well, moving on then, there’s much to get through.”

Bob produce little set of cards and flap out the top one

“What B is a race of beings that inhabit dimensions outside those in the known universe, including t–“

“BINNG!” go snatter hopefully

“Snatter?”

“Bob Separation!” go snatter

“…Dimensions outside those in the known universe including time, the Bob Separation it is!”

everyone clappe

“Where next, Snatter?”

“I’d like to know what your presence means in context of this terrible calamity,” go Snatter.

“Righto then, what C differentiates the specific members of the Bob Separation whose existence has caused one Christmas Eve to last for countless aeons?”

“Um…. Bing!” go snatter, “Children?”

“Correct! As a flourishing species living externally to time, fragments of my being have been flashing in and out of existence constantly, never interacting with time! This caused Santa’s gift – the gift of Eternal Night that lasts until his delivery rounds are over – to backfire, once the scope of his quest was extended to the children of the whole galaxy, and not merely of the planet Earth. Now, you’ve two directions you can go in, would you like to know how to solve the problem, or how to exist in order to solve it?”

“Um… how to exist?” say Snatter, deciding to get the basics down before moving onto the complicated stuff.

“Certainly, what Y served as a means of transporting Snatter from the stalemate position he found himself in centuries of objective time ago, to the present?”

“Um,” Snatter doesn’t seem sure! You do forget things sometimes under pressure don’t you! BING!

“Ah! Yes, you, the tangly young lady in the corner.”

“Yulices!”

“Correct! There was apparently no way out of the fix Santa found himself in, trapped for eternity in a stasis of his own making, with nothing in the universe changing and so no new chance to alter the situation! Fortunately for him, however, there was indeed a point in the distant future (where we now find ourselves), at which a sufficient amount of Christmas Spirit had become concentrated in one spot that some of Santa’s most important crewmembers began to wake up! The solution to Santa’s time-freezing dilemma, if only he could have known it, was to simply cease to be, remain stored in mystical Yulices for hundreds of years, and be revived when all the Yulices were reunited!”

but bob?

“Yes?”

I heard that making a yulix out of a person, even one yulix, is science-magic of the sort no person anywhere can ever do! and Snatter was hidden in LOTS of Yulices, which is EVER HARDER!

“Absolutely correct! To separate a person into multiple Yulices, multiple moments across a person’s lifetime must be forged into one Yulix each, and each must be done in that moment. But! For it to work, it must be a quantum-entangled event. In other words, the crafter must create every one of the set of Yulices all in a single instant, even though they are all created at different times. This contradiction is why it cannot be done by your kind! To a timelocked, this is utterly impossible. But, to one who exists beyond the boundaries of time, it is as simple as…

The decision is made. I reach out now, reaching out as far as then, across the geography of my being. I extend, and from their perspective I split apart and become innumerable fragments of purpose and knowledge, skittering backwards across the expanse of time as they percieve it; but to me, merely reaching out, touching memories of Snatter Claus as they are remembered.

But there is a Bobometer along the way. The one thing that can call me into the world of time as I travel back just outside it. Expelling quantum chocolates as I pass by, quantum chocolates which are eaten by the girl and her friends, the device observes my passing and in so doing, brings it into truth. I am passing by them, so the Bobometer sees me and feeds them the chocolates, and so I am passing by them.

They eat as they remember Snatter, recalling his early flights, his success on the stage, the time he kept everyone awake with his snoring. I become anchored there, both in the moments at which they remember Santa, but also in the actual moments the memories recall. The two times become linked, along the length of me. Through those memories I extrapolate Santa Claus, and I can twist them into Yulices, each one appearing with each memory relived. Also the girl keeps putting her face into the Bob Separation and seeing through my being into the reality of the memory, literally looking through me like a window through time. It’s very tickly and I wish she wouldn’t, but I don’t think she’s doing it deliberately.

I leave messages along the length of my journey, in an attempt to communicate and sooth the concerns of those involved, but perhaps I am not yet used to speaking in only one direction. I think I only scare them.

My journey ends with a bump – no, two! The first is the Bobometer’s creation by the Antisnatter, who uses his evil Santa powers to leave it in the girl’s stocking. He thinks it will detect my presence, and that through the child’s actions he can keep abreast of my movements. He does not anticipate that it will call me into being and set into the unbreakable tablets of time the fact of my Wholeness.

The other bump is at the furthest end of my journey, when I collide with… what? or who? It is unclear…”

Suddenly everything sort of refocuses and we all go a bit wobbly.

“There we are! All done!” go Bob! “And with that tiniest action, I have spread backwards in time from this moment – where the decision was made to do it – threaded myself across your memories of Santa, plucked him out of them and saved him in the form of the Yulices, thus bringing him into the present where he’s needed, so that we can finally sort all of this out. Impossible for you, but for me it is nothing to create all the Yulices in this single instant spanning a lifetime; long ago and right now; gradually, all at once!”

everyone’s going really clappy now!

“And one final question then, for Santa Claus. I’m sorry to put you on the hot-spot here but this really is the deciding question. What P will fix all of this?”

… all eyes are on Snatter.

Him start to get a big Snatty grin.

“Present!”

“CORRECT! Quick now, I’m only going to be corporeal for a certain amount of time.”

“Bob Wholeness,” go Snatter, “Here is your Christmas present! (Ho ho ho!)”

And he hand Bob Wholeness a lovely big present!

“That’s it! That’s the gold run! It’s all sorted out!” go Bob! “In this single action you deliver this present to every child of the Bob Separation who will ever exist! They travel backwards from this spot in time, being born already the rightful owners and recipients of THIS Christmas present from their own perspective, but coming into ownership of it from objective time’s point of view right now! And thus ends the Silent Night!”

And suddenly the ship go WOOM and there is the plunkunkunk of lots of feet landing all over the ship! Everyone’s woken up and fallen down!! A spaceship full of elf’s all waking up from hypersplee! Come on, let’s go and find them all!

“So now it must be Christmas!” so Snatter excitedly!

“Not quite yet,” goe Bob.

And suddenly, a huge and terrible voice BUME all over the place…

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