December 23rd, 2008
This is Agent M8s. There may be no need for this report by the time this day is out; there may be nobody left to send it to. But in the spirit of hope I document all that took place today, just in case any of us manages to survive it.
The Mecha Snatter this year is seriously very, very big. I mean, I’ve seen Mecha Snatter twice before and he was never like this. He’s so big I can barely see what he’s even doing when he moves around, it’s just completely overwhelming. I’m glad I didn’t see him on imax or something because good heavens, there’d be no hope of taking it all in.
I stand here now, having guided the target through the manifestive dimensions and into the Calendar itself, where he seems to be holding his own quite well, along with his friends. He appears to have become aware that time only exists around him so long as the Christmas story is unfolding, ie, every time the Spirit of Christmas Present opens a dore in the calendar, out in what I tentatively refer to as the real world. But it doesn’t seem to concern him too much. He is, of course, perfectly at home here.
I have made friends with Agent B now (or Beazie, as even the target is now aware, due to my slip-up). This is a snippet of our conversation, auto-transcribed as it took place. I found myself feeling it may be our last, and that some definitive record of our improved relationship ought to be made.
<M8s> Since these are our final moments, might I ask what actually happened to your face? Why was it as ruined as it was when I was first introduced to you as an Agent? They said you were launched into space, but… I don’t remember it happening when I was last here.
<Beazie> It didn’t happen then. It hasn’t happened yet, in fact. After my ordeal at the hands of Peter Schwartz, I found myself mysteriously detached from reality, tumbling through time. I believe it was a “quantum weakness” I’d fallen into, whatever that means. Some sort of time travel event took place near me, but it went wrong, and left the area weakened and damaged.
<Beazie> When I made it back, I became insular and worked incessantly on my secret project, a magic potion. I was trying to discover a way to erase that terrible ordeal – and my entire life as an Elf – from my memory. And what’s more, I succeeded.
<Beazie> The potion turned me human, erased my memory of Elf School – and, due to an accident in the lab, did the same to my dog, Towser. If only I had kept that potion under closer guard! But it was during these human years that I became a Christmas villain. Yes, even I tried to overthrow Christmas, once. Most of the Agents of the Organisation were Christmas villains once, did you realise that? Until they changed their ways, and vowed to help Christmas somehow. The Organisation is their means of helping. In my case, though, I didn’t reform. Children could have died because of my actions and I was called to account for it. The police chased me and I tried to escape, but I ended up drifting away through space. Only there, as the ravages of the vaccuum ruined my body and broke down the materials of my mind, all of its alleys and, critically, dead-ends, did I begin to remember the terrible mistakes I always seemed to make, and I vowed that if I could ever escape, I would dedicate myself to Christmas.
<Beazie> And it was then that I was found, by our benefactor, Mr Scrooge.
<M8s> Crikey.
<Beazie> A more complete account of my tenure as a Christmas villain has been made, and I’ve seen to it that it be broadcast just about every Christmas on some local station, and found in the DVD & bluray section at supermarkets. Oh but if you do get the disc you have to really turn the colour down by like half, they messed it up. But once you’ve done that it looks fine, you should watch it.
<M8s> I… can? You would be comfortable with that?
<Beazie> Oh yes. I would wish that everyone see it. I am a reformed man, but what use is that reformation if no knowledge exists of previous villainry? You must know who I was, because only then will you ever decide for yourself whether to forgive me.
<M8s> Is it worth a look?
<Beazie> Accounts vary, but my bits are brilliant.
I found this to be a profound moment between us. His opening up to me was something I found really touching. If I even survive what’s to come, I will assuredly be trapped here in the distant past, still. But perhaps some of my colleagues and other friends might find that DVD, and know what Beazie has been through. Apparently he says, there’s a lot of other amusing bits and bobs worth looking at in there as well, to do with what’s happened to us on previous years, so.
o and apparently you can get Snoman’s story as well, and you’re dead inside if you don’t think it’s completely brilliant.
Whatever happens here, I want it known that we did all we could, and that, whether it be saved or not, Christmas was certainly something worth experiencing at least for as long as we were able to.
Good luck to us.
Every one.