December 7th, 2009

In a bar today, feeling all grown up. There’s a little mobile disco on, it’s not that good but I like the bloke talking between records, he’s silly hehe.

Anyway the reason I’m here is that I followed Salteye the Pirate in. Now, you might wonder why I decided to follow Salteye, so I submit this explanation: Pirate. Yeah? I thought if there’s a pirate going into a bar then it’s going to be worth having a look at.

Unfortunately Salteye does not seem up for much Pirating today. He is just sitting sadly at table staring into the dreggs of him drink. He’s a broken man! He is sad and has given up his hunt for his long lost son, having searched everywhere in whole world and finally arrived here to drown him sorroes in grog. Him beard is forlorn and bereaved.

Dooo dooo doo go the music, and it’s one of those songs that sound sad if you put them on in a bar when someone’s sad. dooo dooo, and then the music finish.

“All right?” goe DJ. “So, er. Nother record then. First of all though, bit of news, from the workshop.

O! If he’s heard some news from the elfs’ workshop then we ought to listen to this.

“So, every day, elfs are makin’ toys, right?”

right. not news.

“There they go, cobblin’ ’em together from wood. But the queue, is really lonn-guh. It’s really long, so they’re going, “what we gunno do?” Anyway, head elf, he’s goin’, “If this was a few years from now, we’d have Santer, and he’d be able to ‘elp out.” “Yeah but we can’t, ’cause he’s not old enough yet” and blah blah. Right? So.”

this DJ’s stories are a bit rambly, get to the point dj.

“So anyway, one day – the queue was suddenly a lot shorter. Right? In the workshop. So… so anyway. So, the queue’s goin’ down really fast, wood’s going in, toys are coming out, so everybody’s goin’ “How’s that happening? How are they managing to do this,” right?”

I can imagine. get to the POINT dj.

“So they have a little look inside, and they can just see… little Santa feller’s in there! Yeah? Little feller with, like a, little beard on an’ that, so they’re right, “Oh, he’s finally here.” But then hang on? He’s only making the toys with his hands… and his feet. An’ that. Right?”

As the sound of the DJ’s droning voice fill the room, Salteye’s suddenly alert, like he recognises something!

“So the elves, right, they’re goin’ ahh, good on ‘im, right? He’s got a new… method of makin’ toys and that.”

hahah no they didn’t! what, they see santa, but he’s a little hairy version of santa is he? And he’s making toys with his feet? Ha ha ha no they didn’t just go “oh all right, he must just be making toys a new way.” hahah that’s NONSENSE.

“Errmmm, so, one elf, he’s got some chestnuts, he’s munchin’ on those.”

hahah chestnuts! What are you TALKING about!

“He goes round – an’, well, it really went off. Little Santer’s jumpin’ about, he’s goin’ bananas, reacting to the nuts. And the bloke’s goin’ “Why’s, why’s it all goin’ mad? What’s the matter with Santer?” So there’s this little feller sat there with, with like a, little beard on an’ that, goin’ mad. Elf goes an’ has a look – – it’s only a little monkey. So… right, time for another record now…”

That’s not true! Him a maniac!

Salteye has gone up to the DJ, and he’s blinking at him in amazement. DJ’s not really reacting.

“P- P- Pilky?” say Salteye.

“All right?” go DJ.

“Me boy! Pilky! It must be you! Before Oi took arrf to sea, Oi remember tellin’ me lady that if Oi were ever a dad, Oi’d name me ferst son Pilky, after me favourite kind of fishin’ rod! Oi’ve searched every sea an’ this is the last place, it must be you! Tell me lad, did you ever know yer muther or father?”

“Errrm,” Pilky say like a big sigh, “not really, I mean, you know. I don’t remember much except it were windy.”

“That be the typhoon! Carried you away! Pilky, Oi’m yer dad! Oi’ve been searchin’ for you all across the oceans of this world!”

“Well…..” Pilky’s not convinced.

“Arr! Look! We got the same baldy head!” he lift his hat. “We got the same slightly gormless expression!”

“What gormless expression?”

“We got the same grumpy outlook! Don’t you see the resemblance? Go on, think of something that annoys you and so will I, an’ watch how similar our faces go. There! See? What do you think to that, boy?”

“Bit weird, innit?” go Pilky.

“Tell me lad, Oi got ter know, where have ye been since that day? Was life kind?”

“Err, well I more or less made do. I were growin’ up on the estate, and there were enough weird people there. There was this woman about four ‘ouses down right? Bit rough – her kid used to tek a reindeer into the ‘ouse. Musta nicked it from somewhere. I looked in the window once, the reindeer was in the lounge. Just like, walkin’ around!”

“All roight, but has life been good to yer?”

“Well… not really, boiler’s been playin’ up. I called someone round, have a look at it, ’cause it’s a nightmare having the boiler broke in this weather. Anyway so, feller comes round – ninety quid. Ninety quid. All he did was turn up, said “ohhhh yeaahhh yeah yeah, auhh… just bang it.” Bang the boiler. That’s ninety quid! Another one, I called him out, right, he comes over, takes one look at it, says there’s nothing he can do. So I call again another time, hopin’ to get someone else – same bloke comes round, says it’s a danger, charges me again! For that! Couldn’t believe it.”

“Arr, well, we all have our complaints lad, but – but tell me about the good toimes. What be the most wonderful experience you ever had??”

“Well…” say Pilky, thinking.


“Well I suppose…”

“Arr? Out with it lad, what’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”

“Well there’s this hairy Chinese kid.”

Salteye sigh. “Arr, play a record.”


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