December 24th, 2011

“Sssaaannnnttaaaaa,” go voice!!

Santa look up, him beard brave and stalwart. And there out the window, everyone can see that the hazy red cloud in space has shifted into a new and terrifying shape!!

“Blood of Yulicron!!” whisper one of the woken-up elfs “It’s him!!”

And sure enough, there in the nebula of gaseous particles spread wide over hyperhectares of empty space, perhaps it’s just through an optical illusion brought on by our evolved trait of recognising terrifying robot faces in random patterns, but an unmistakable mechanical grimace is beginning to form across the front face of the cloud…

And maybe it’s just our uncanny ability to hear voices in the wind, but there’s something like words carrying through the creaking and shifting of the beems and floorboards of the ship, and the settling of the specially lacquered and spaceproofed brushed-wood hull, and everyone feels the horrible voice vibrating up through their leg bones and scraping at their cochulars.

“Their whats??”

nobbly, it is a clever word for ears.

“What like pointy ears like a vampire has?

yeh mainly but also normal ears.

“Sssssaannnntaaaa. I can feeeeel my defeat! I can sennnssse the ssouullss awakeninng all acrosss the galaxxxyyy. Ssoo you have ennnded the Sssilent Night! Hmm hmm hmmmm.”

er, that last bit was more like a little evil chuckle than hmming from thoughtfulness didn’t you think?

“I don’t noe m8, I am about to fall entirely asplee here,” go nobbly. poor old nobbly he’s exhausted, he never did get to have his morning cuppa in the end, hehe. YAAAWNNNN he goe.

“I’m a bit worried actually, I’ve had this problem before. I was really spleepy at the end of Xmas once, and I think when I went to splee, so did Xmas. I’m not sure, I’m worried I’ll cause a problem if I go and have a little nap

don’t worry nobbly, i’ll keep you awake.

“Yyyyoooouuu havve sssoollved my cosmic riddle, and connnffronted the forrrcce responsible: your owwwnn powerrsss! But conssssider, Cllaaauussse: howw many timesss can you go tthrrough thisss? Perhapss you can retrace your steps next Chrissstmas and sssolve the problem however it was you did it this time…”

“I hope you’ll join me next Christmas – I’ll certainly be here – for more of the same!” Bob Wholeness goe to Snatter. Very generous of him (although he gets a present so it’s not completely selfless)

“But you have noww exxperrienced a mere tassste of the havoc your powerss will wreak upon the living universsse,” the voice go on. “A ssingle night drawwwn out for as long as it takess one man to complete an imposssible tasssk, a tassk which, I reminnnd you, took you centuriess to perform thisss time. How many Chrisstmassses will pass, Snatter, befffore we reaccch the final heat-deattth of the universssee? The deatttth of so many worrldddsss, the deattthhh of ssso many childdreennn, and alll because of you, and your ridiculousss Chrissstmassssss!! Hnrrr hrnrr hrrrrnnnrrrr.”

doing weird laughing again.

Snatter sit down heavily in ponderment. “He’s right! How can I justify this? Each year my rounds will take me almost a millennium to complete, even with my faster-than-night Christmas Effect drive to carry me between the stars.”

“And I will be forever watchinnnng. Thisss was an outcommme I might have forseeen for myssself, Clauss. Ifff one great imbalance can caussse thisss much peril, it will only be ssso long before the universssse compensatesss with an equal opposssing forccce. Just as your powersss now ssstretch acrosss the galaxxxy, sssso musst their antithessis. I am mann, macchine and anti-Chrisssstmasss forccce sssspread wide acrosss all of inhabited ssspaccce. I fffeeel all thosse beings awakeninnng becaussse they are witttthin me! Perhapsss sssoon I can inhabit them, in turnn. I am noww everywhere, and anti-Chrissstmas ssssentiment sssshall be alllwayyysss presssent! Er, I mean, er, shall be always there.”

“He’s so right!” Snatter lament! “The odds are stacked against me so high that they’re toppling over onto my head and I’m all like, oueeu i’m covered in odds!”


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